My Angel
by fueledbyedward
Summary: After Jacob's death, Bella blames herself. She knows the only thing keeping Jacob alive in her head is the guilt she carries around every day. Can both he and Edward convince her that Jacob's death wasn't her fault and to finally live her life?


Okay, so this is basically a story I started about a year ago. It's just another idea I had that I needed to get down. I wrote more and more everyday, but eventually I lost interest. I'm posting it on here in hopes that I may find the interest and motivation I need.

So, if you think there's any hope at all for this story, **please**, **please**, review. Please. If I don't get any reviews, I know I shouldn't continue.

And for those of you who hate me for killing Jacob, I'm sorry! I don't hate him. Really! I just wanted to try something new, and this is what it turned out to be. I do promise that he makes appearances in each chapter (sometimes more than once) as his voice in Bella's head. Hopefully I didn't spoil too much.

And if you have mixed feelings about this story, well, don't be afraid to tell me.

* * *

**_My Angel_**

_I was running, trying to find my way through the dark woods that surrounded me._

_"Isabella!" Jacob's panicked voice seemed far away._

_"Jacob?" I called, frantic. He was in pain, I could feel it. His pain had always been my pain._

_"Isabella," he said again, his voice becoming weak._

_"Where are you, Jake?" I needed to find him, fast. He was holding on by a string._

_"You can't find me, Bella," he replied, his voice barely above a whisper. "I'm lost."_

_I was sprinting now, my newly well—kept balance and blinding speed going unnoticed as I pushed myself harder through the trees. "Tell me where you are, Jacob. I'll find you."_

_"No," he sobbed, and he sounded so young, so helpless. "You'll never be able to find me."_

_But I could hear him, and I could feel him. I knew he was close. Why wasn't he telling me? "Jake," I pleaded. "Tell me where you are!"_

_It was getting harder to ignore the pain that was beginning to suffocate me. I needed to get to him before ..._

_He screamed, and it caused me so much pain that I fell to my knees, holding my aching head in my hands. My entire body was shaking, and my breathing was coming out in wild gasps. He was weak, so weak ..._

_"Bella," he whispered, and then I knew his pain was gone. For a second, I could see his face, clearly, and he was wearing my favorite smile. His eyes danced with happiness, and his beautiful russet skin seemed to glow. His hair was long, just the way I liked it, falling like a curtain around his face. Yes, his pain was gone. He was okay. He was safe ..._

_But I wasn't. The pain was still suffocating me, and it was getting harder to breathe. Soon it would be over. That comforted me. Not much longer, now..._

_I waited, but the pain never ceased. Please, I thought. Please just let this be over. It was getting darker, and I was growing weaker by the second._

_"It's okay, Bella," Jacob's warm voice soothed me. "I'm here; I won't let the darkness take you."_

_"Jacob," I whispered brokenly. "Come back."_

_"I never left, Bella. I'm still here. I'll always be here."_

_I shook my head, and the pain worsened. "It hurts, Jacob. Everyday."_

_"I know," he whispered, and I felt his pain again, too. "And I'm so sorry, Bella. I'll never be able to forgive myself for it."_

_I wouldn't let him blame himself for this—something I had done. "It's not your fault, Jake." It took so much strength to say those few words, and I knew I couldn't hold on much longer._

_"Oh, Bella," he laughed, and the familiar sound seemed to ease the pain. "I slipped up. It shouldn't have happened. I could have avoided it, but I was being careless."_

_"Because of me," I said, my voice breaking. "I did this to you."_

_"No, Bella," he said. "I did this to myself."_

_"Damn it, Jake!" I screamed, using all of my strength to lift my head out of my hands. "I can't let you do this to yourself! If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be dead. You'd be here, safe, and most importantly, alive."_

_"I'm still here, Bella," he whispered again._

_"It's not the same," I whispered back, the tears beginning to fall. "And it's my entire fault."_

_He sighed, and the wind picked up, tossing the fallen leaves all around me. "Isabella," he said. "It's so much harder for me knowing that you blame yourself for this. I don't want you to be unhappy anymore, Bella. It's not fair to you."_

_"How can you possibly expect me to be happy when you're gone?" I cried, choking on my words. "It's impossible, Jake."_

_"You're impossible," he laughed, weakening the pain again._

_"I'll be happy if you come back," I tried, hating myself even more for even saying it._

_"If I could, I would. Believe me, Bella, it's no easier for me." His tone was soft, lonely._

_"I'm sorry, Jake," I whispered, closing my eyes._

_"Me too, Bells," he whispered back, and then all my pain was gone. "Promise me something, okay?"_

_" 'Kay," I said, my eyes still closed._

_"Promise me that you'll be happy," he whispered._

_"I can't promise you that."_

_"You can, though, Bella." His voice was becoming distant. "Just remember that I'll always be with you, no matter what. I'll always be watching over you, making sure you're safe." I could barely hear his voice now._

_  
"Jacob," I sobbed. "Don't leave me. I need you."_

_"I'll never leave you, Isabella," he whispered. "I promise." And then everything was quiet, except for the familiar howling of a wolf, guiding me to safety._

_My Jacob._

I was cold, but I did not take myself away from the cool arms that were wrapped tightly around me. The cold hardly bothered me anymore, now that it was a part of me. It was becoming much easier to get used to. My entire body trembled from the pain as he pulled me closer to him, pressing a kiss to my hair.

This pain was greater than any pain I'd ever felt, but I had my angel beside me. I pressed my face into his chest, my tears soaking through his shirt. This had become a routine for me, only every day seemed to get harder and harder to bear.

I unwillingly disentangled myself from his arms to look up into my angel's face. There were dark, ugly bruises under his eyes. They looked similar to mine.

Edward gently stroked the dark bruises under my eyes, echoing my thoughts. "You're thirsty," he whispered, his expression pained. His thirst meant very little next to mine.

I shook my head. I knew his thirst was so much easier to disregard than mine, but I could still control it. "I can handle it."

"Bella," he said, his tone laced with disapproval. "You should feed."

"No," I protested lamely. "I don't want to."

"You have to," he said, his tone soft.

"I'll survive," I replied, frowning.

He sighed, but gathered me up into his arms again. "I'm taking you tonight, whether you like it or not."

I didn't argue with him after that. I knew he was right, of course. My body was growing weaker, and I would have to feed soon.

"Are you sure you don't want to feed before we go to Charlie's?" Edward asked suggestively.

"I'm not going to attack my own father, Edward," I snapped, but I knew there was no telling whether I would or not. That scared me.

"Of course not, Bella. I was simply thinking of your comfort." He kissed my forehead, and I was glad he thought so. "Sorry for offending you, love." His tone was apologetic, and I immediately felt guilty for acting in such an angry manner towards him. He was only trying to help.

"Sorry," I whispered, avoiding his eyes.

"For what?"

"For everything," I said, speaking quickly. "I know I haven't exactly been—"

Edward pressed a finger to my lips. "There's absolutely nothing that you need to be sorry for, Bella."

I opened my mouth in protest, but he silenced me with a kiss that left us both breathless.

He didn't have to be careful with me now. His mouth moved on mine with a new intensity that would have surely killed me if I was still human. But his hands still cupped my face so delicately as if he was afraid I might break, as if I was still human.

I may have looked frail and weak, but I was strong—even stronger than he was.

His hands gripped my waist, his fingers spread across my cool skin. "It will be nice to see Charlie."

"Mmm," I said, indifferent. It had been a long time since I'd last seen Charlie, and I had really missed him.

We were both silent for a long time, and I closed my eyes as Edward played with a strand of my hair.

"Shall we go, then?" Edward asked suddenly, his voice light. "Charlie's very excited to see you. I don't want to keep him waiting any longer."

I nodded and let him pull me to my feet, but I already knew I would be a disappointment in Charlie's eyes.

"It's going to be fine, Bella," Edward whispered, his lips at my ear. "I promise."

As we pulled into the driveway, Charlie gave us a big wave, an excited smile on his face.

I groaned. "I suppose he's going to want us to stay for dinner."

"Be nice, Bella," Edward warned softly. "He's missed you more than you could imagine."

"Will you leave?" I asked quietly.

"I will not leave you, Bella, but the choice is entirely up to you whether you'd like to be alone with Charlie or not."

"Do you think it might be better?"

He shrugged, taking my hand in his. "I don't want to leave you, of course, but at the same time, I do think it might be better for both you and Charlie." He pressed his lips against my jaw. "It would be better if you didn't have any distractions."

I sighed as he smiled, his parted lips still pressed against my cold face. He knew me too well. "You're my favorite distraction."

I would never get used to him—that beautiful face, that breathtaking smile. Everything about him seemed to always catch me so off guard. This was just something I had learned since I'd been with him. I closed my eyes and breathed another sigh as his urgent lips found my neck. But I suddenly couldn't relax.

"What if I ... slip?" I had to ask, whispering the last word.

He propped himself up on his elbows, brushing the back of my hand with his lips. "You won't," he promised, his voice confident and true. "But I will not be far, of course, if that makes you feel any better."

It did, but I was still unsure. Should he be more confident about my self control than I was? I suppose he would certainly know better than me, having lived through it, but the thought was still unsettling.

"Don't be anxious," he whispered, his eyes locking with mine.

"Easy for you to say," I muttered.

He chuckled, kissing my forehead. "You deserve much more credit than you're allowing." He smiled a beautiful smile. "You're very strong."

His words soothed me, and I was able to relax. But not for long.

As I stepped out of the car and stood facing the house, I could see Charlie's smile falter.

His worried eyes took in my frail, ghastly appearance as we walked towards the house. "Isabella," he said, and I could tell he was struggling for words. We hugged awkwardly, carefully, and I avoided his scrutinizing eyes as he held me at arm's length. "You look so different, Bells. Has it really been that long since I've seen you?"

I nodded, surprised at how well I was handling myself. It shouldn't be this easy, I thought. I wasn't at all uncomfortable around Charlie. "It feels like it."

"It certainly does," he said, frowning. "I've missed you, Bella. It gets lonely around here without you."

The guilt was beginning to set in. "I've missed you, too, Dad." I smiled, and it felt wrong.

"Well, what matters is that you're here now," he said, before letting me go and turning towards Edward. "How have you been, Edward?"

"Good, thank you, sir," Edward replied, always polite.

Charlie nodded, looking back and forth between the two of us, probably noticing how similar we had begun to look. The pale skin, the dark shadows under our eyes, the beauty. "Well, I don't want to keep you two out in the cold," he said finally.

As we stepped inside, the familiarity of the house was in no ways welcoming; it was just a reminder of the life I had left behind.

I grew more and more depressed as I walked swiftly passed the various pictures of myself that Charlie had hung on the walls as I grew. There were a few pictures of myself that I had never seen, nor could I remember ever taking them. There was one in particular that caught my eye. It looked as if it had been taken about a few months ago, my face full of life and my smile bright. I was smiling, probably recalling a distant memory of a moment I had shared with Edward.

There was also a picture that had been taken the day of our wedding. I smiled, my eyes taking in Edward beautiful smiling face. I allowed myself to glance at my own face, which shared the same look of happiness and bliss, minus the beauty. But the more I looked at my picture, my bright smiling face, I saw a beauty that I had never seen before. Nothing compared to how I looked now, of course, but it was there.

And then I saw it: a picture of Jacob and I, taken shortly before the wedding. His arm was around my waist, and I was leaning my head against his shoulder. He stood almost a foot taller than me. As much as it hurt to look at, I could not take my eyes away from the picture.

"Will you be staying, Edward?" Charlie asked hesitantly, and I was finally able to tear my eyes away from the picture at the sound of his voice.

The look we exchanged was much too quick for Charlie to see. With calm eyes, I let Edward know that his presence wasn't necessary.

Edward shook his head. "Sorry, Chief; I promised an old friend I would visit. I hope you don't mind."

"No, not at all."

"I'll be back shortly," Edward said, his eyes glancing swiftly to meet mine. "It won't take long."

Charlie nodded. "Sure."

Edward's eyes still hadn't left mine, and he smiled a small smile. Charlie, clearly uncomfortable, left the room.

"Will you be all right?" he asked, taking my face in his hands.

"Of course," I said, nodding. "Don't worry about me." I knew that for him, that was impossible. Sometimes it seemed like he forgot that I was a vampire, which made me a little more durable than I was before. "Okay, try not to worry about me. I'll be fine." But my voice wasn't so agreeing.

"I won't be far," he reminded me again, before leaning down to press his perfect lips briefly against mine.

"I know," I whispered against his lips.

He gently caressed my face with the back of his hand, and with a beautiful crooked smile, he was gone. "I love you." It was just a whisper, a small reminder, but it still meant so much to me.

I stood by the door for a second before heading into the kitchen, where Charlie was waiting.

"So," Charlie began as we sat down at the table. "How has college been?"

"Good," I answered quietly, suddenly becoming uncomfortable. "Everything that I've hoped for."

"Good, good." Charlie smiled. "And Alaska, too? Must be cold up there."

"Yes, it gets quite cold," I answered, managing a grin. "Otherwise, it's been enjoyable."

Charlie looked skeptical. "Well, I suppose it would be." He frowned. "What's wrong, Bella? You haven't touched your food."

"I'm not hungry."

"You should eat something, Bella. You've gotten so thin." He frowned. "How long has it been since you've last eaten?"

"I—I haven't been hungry," I answered quietly.

"Are you sick?" His tone was laced with worry. "Is he treating you right?"

"This has nothing to do with Edward, Dad," I snapped fiercely, and Charlie's eyes widened in surprise at my sudden anger. "_Nothing_. In fact, feel free to thank him anytime for everything's he done for me."

"Well, I—"

"Please, Dad. You have no idea how good Edward is to me, how much he has helped me. He is the reason I'm alive. He is the reason for my sanity." And so much more, I thought. If it weren't for him, I'd be an out of control, bloodthirsty killer. I shuddered.

He sighed, but he didn't seem convinced. "All right, I'll stop accusing him if it upsets you. But I still want to know why you look so … unhealthy."

"It's nothing," I whispered, reluctant.

"I don't think so, Bella. Are you sick?" he asked again.

"No." I looked down at my untouched food.

He reached out to place his hand on my face. "Goodness, Bells, you're freezing."

"Dad—"

"What's wrong with you, Bella?"

"I'm not sick," I said, louder, my voice cracking.

"Maybe you should stay here for a little while," he said. "Get away from the cold. You've brought some of it back with you." His voice was almost teasing.

"Thanks, but I don't think I should miss school." I tried to keep my tone as soft as I could.

"Why not? It's only for a few days."

"Dad, I can't." I wasn't breathing—it was easier that way.

"I think it would be best, Bella."

"I can't be here, Dad," I said quietly.

"Why? Is it the house?" He stood up, turning towards the living room, which was a complete mess, much like the rest of the house. "I'm sorry it's so messy, I just haven't really thought about cleaning it. I figured that it since you weren't here, it wasn't really necessary." He began to organize the mail, stacking it neatly in a pile on the counter. "I don't really mind the mess, but I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to clean up around here. I could probably get used to it." He grinned. "It'll be nice to have you back and ordering me around again, Bella."

He sounded so happy, and I couldn't take it. "It's not the house, Dad," I said, examining my ring absentmindedly.

"Then what is it? Edward is welcome to stay, too, although I'm sure you could survive without him for a few days, right?"

"Dad, please." This was a conversation that I wanted so badly to avoid.

"Are you ashamed to stay with me, Bella?"

"What? No, of course not!" I said, looking up to meet his hurt, perplexed eyes.

"That's it, isn't it? Now that you're married, you can't even stay with your father for a few days? Is it embarrassing to be seen living with me now that you're on your own?"

"That's not true, Dad. I don't feel that way at all, it's just—"

"Am I doing something wrong? You lived with me before, Bella, and it was fine up until Jacob ...." His voice trailed off, but the pain was already there, just waiting for a chance to pull me under again.

My hands gripped the table, and I could feel the wood beginning to crack. I would have to be careful, I couldn't loose control. Steady, now.  
_  
"Bella, I think you might almost be stronger than I am," Jacob said, grinning. "I'm almost impressed."_

_"Oh, I think we both know that I'm much stronger than you, Jake," I said, snapping an impressive—sized branch in half effortlessly to prove my point._

_"You could probably kill me if you really wanted."_

_"Why would I want to do that?" I asked, hurt. "You're my Jacob."_

_He shrugged, still grinning. "Who knows? I might get on your nerves one day."_

_I rolled my eyes, shoving him lightly with my shoulder. He tripped over his own feet in attempt to say afoot. "You get on my nerves every day, Jake."_

_"Isn't that why you love me so much, though?"_

_I couldn't bring myself to answer his question, and instead, turned away from him, the tears already forming in my eyes._

_"Aw, don't be like that, Bells," he whispered, coming to my side. "I didn't really mean it. I'm sorry for hurting you again."_

_I wished he would realize that it was the other way around—that Iwas hurting him. But I knew he never would. In his mind, he was tearing me apart, piece by piece, every time he said he loved me. And it was, but not because of him. It was because I was selfish and stupid and in love with him._

_

* * *

_

I know it's long. Sorry. But there are about ten more pages that I've written that I'll post if I get a few reviews. So don't let me down!

And I kept my promise about Jacob, see? I couldn't get rid of him for good.


End file.
